When people start out in our body image groups, the idea of talking about this thing that has been such a closely kept secret, for so long: coming out into the open, to be discussed, to be revealed… Well, it is scary enough that it keeps lots of people from finding the healing that comes from opening up altogether.
Spoiler though: secrets fuel shame. Our minds can make us feel worse about what others might think, than being open and honest would. It is scary giving people the opportunity to respond themselves. That fear can make whatever we are ashamed of feel even worse. Believe it or not, letting other people know what we are doing (that we have been hiding) is a huge step in letting go of doing it.
Okay, so I have to quit hiding this shame and guilt I feel about my body in order for it to dissipate- I get that, Kathryn. But does that mean I have to broadcast my insecurities to everyone? Do I need to be talking about it with the cashier at H.E.B.? Does my roommate need to know? Do I have to tell my friends at work?
As you continue to build your strong sense of self, your True Self (the one you know is healthy, in contrast to the voice in your head that makes you feel bad whether you do or don’t listen to it), you will also develop a sense of who and when the people in your life get to see the innermost thoughts and feelings you have. One way of understanding it is by drawing circles around yourself…
Imagine you are the teeny dot in the center.
Which few people that make up that little circle around you? Maybe a sibling, maybe a parent, maybe a partner, maybe a friend- most people only have 2-3, maybe 4 people who are in that inner circle. These people have earned the right to know your innermost feelings- your fears, your insecurities, the things you aren’t so proud of. These are also the people you most want to tell when something amazing happens.
The next circle, as you can see, is bigger- a few more people are in this circle. But it is also not quite as close to you. These are good friends and family members you care a lot about, but due to proximity, schedule, or other reasons, you just don’t open up completely to them, or they to you. There is probably only one or two things keeping you from being very close with them, but they just aren’t in your inner circle. These people may or may not know what things you struggle with or are most private about. And again, it may only be one or two things that keep them from your having told them. Perhaps if you spent a long weekend together, you’d feel closer or there would be the opportunity to get more serious about what is happening inside each of you.
You can imagine putting others in your life in to the continually bigger circles, from friends and family all the way out to acquaintances, and then to strangers, based upon what you have in common. To get very exact- a stranger shopping in the same store as you in your hometown would be in a closer circle than a person who lives in another country who you have never even seen before. This specificity isn’t necessary, but it is more explanation at how we can recognize how close our connections are to others. And therefore, the level of trust we have with people about our vulnerabilities.
We aren’t meant to trust our biggest insecurities with a stranger, especially one we know nothing about. As people earn their way in to circles that are closer to us, it makes sense that they may have earned the privilege of our innermost thoughts and feelings.
Does this idea of circles change how you think about opening up to others?
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